Pain, Fear, Anger – God

“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”
― C.S. Lewis

 

Mitch says I am angry “all the time”.  He is pretty close to being right. The days when I am in pain and the days I worry about the cancer coming back I am afraid.  The fear leads to anger.

If I hurt this bad now, what is ahead of me.

I know what is behind me . . . days when I didn’t think I could face “it” anymore.

How can I face “it”? Again?

God is with me.  I know this.  I believe this.

Just this morning I asked Him, “How can I be a Sunday School teacher with such anger and hurt in my life?  When I am so poor at controlling my emotional response to these?”

His answer, “Because you hurt you can help other who hurt.  You will understand.”

This morning my voice was so loud I couldn’t hear Him.  I had to cometo a stopping place where I could hear.

And be reminded by Him that He is here.

First of all though, I had to get to a place where the pain was so great that I stopped looking around and I sought Him!

Look Up! and Notice!

^{Luke 2 (King James Version)}

⁸ And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

⁹ And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

¹⁰ And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

¹¹ For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

¹² And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

¹³ And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

¹⁴ Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

¹⁵ And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us.

 It was recently brought to my attention to wonder about the people around the shepherds.  Surely the shepherds were in the country, that is where shepherds kept their sheep.  But . . . “ . . . there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, . . . “

 Surely this was quite a noise, quite a racket being made by this heavenly host.

 Did others not hear . . .

 Did others not see . . .

 Did they not look up . . .

 So, where would you be?  You might not be in the countryside with the shepherds.  However, would you have been . . . are you right now . . . so locked up in your own little world that you miss those things that are going on around you that are from God?

 Take a moment.  Look around!  Look up! 

 Notice the wonder that is of God and be blessed.

 

 

Noise

NOISE

 

This morning as I began my Bible study and prayer time it seemed as though my little world was conspiring against me . . . as if Christmas is not noisy enough. 

 We have new neighbors, but the house they bought is not finished. Consequently, construction is going on.

 My dear husband has decided that RIGHT NOW he has to finished a project that is not due for over a week.  Normally he would wait until the night before.

 THEN, a neighbor has decided to move their “inside” dog to the outside.  The dog sits and cries, I sit and cry.  It just breaks my heart.

 FINALLY, God told me to go to the lake.  That may sound a bit strange, but we live on a lake and the dock is about the length of a football from our house.  So, I went. 

 It is so peaceful here.  I feel like I have “freedom to praise”.  Now, obviously I have freedom to praise where ever I am.  However, how is your Christmas season?  Is it so noisy that you just don’t feel the freedom in your heart to praise. 

 When I got down here, settled in my favorite chair, looked up at my “bower”, not only did God calm my heart, He calmed the outside noise.

 He may not always calm the outside noise . .  .but if we will turn to Him with focus . . . He will give us the quiet in our hearts to praise Him. 

 Thank You, Lord, not just for peace but for quiet also. 

He has done great things for us

In my life, before retirement, I worked in a place where words were all important.  The way they were strung together to form sentences was critical.  An example would be that on occasion the word “must” was replaced with the word “shall.”  Now to most of you that doesn’t seem to be a big deal . . . but in the weight of the law “shall” carries significantly more weight.

So, tonight as I was reading about Mary’s visit to Elizabeth in Luke, in the Word, I was struck by the words that Mary used in response to learning that she would bear a Son, Immanuel.

 Luke 1: ⁴⁹ For He who is mighty has done great things for me,And holy is His name. (New King James Version)

 I was struck by Mary’s words, “has done great things for me.” 

 How often have you thought, “God, why are you doing this to me?” 

 I know I have had this very thought on more than one occasion.

 Yet, Mary, innocent, child, virgin was told of something to come that would set her aside as an outcast, she said, “for me.” 

 Father, that I would remember that you have done so much “for me” . . . giving me life, giving me salvation through Your Son.  Then you  have put a husband for me in my life, given us daughters and a grandson, given me breast cancer, allowed me to sing for You.

 Lord, you have an ungrateful child here, please, help me to be grateful and filling with thanksgiving for all, FOR ALL You have done for me. 

Hurt Becomes Anger

At one time I was hurt by something my husband did. . . we got over it but I remember him saying, “I’m sorry I made you angry.”  I told him I wasn’t angry, I was hurt. 

Some time back I received a new hurt . . .  A HUGE hurt.  I have found out over the last few years, since it happened that if you hurt long enough it will build into anger.  Because that is what has happened, that hurt has built into a huge anger.

 I really had not noticed this until recently, as we are approaching Christmas, there is a circumstance of unforgiveness happening in our family.  My Dad has not forgiven my brother for . . . something.  I don’t even know what the circumstances are.  However, I got very angry and didn’t know why, after all it wasn’t something I did or even new about.  The anger just seemed to build and build and build. 

 I could not figure this out.  Why was I angry?  This thought just kept coming into my mind over and over again.

 I realized years ago, my Dad offered forgiveness to someone who had done a serious hurt to me, his daughter.  My Dad gave them forgiveness.  I was incredibly hurt by his forgiving them, when I was so very hurt and damaged. 

 I have forgiven the person who hurt me.  Now, it is time to forgive my Dad. 

And to remember . . . hurt and anger are not that far apart. 

Freedom to Praise

 

 

Today is voting day for most people in our nation – my husband and I voted early, as we have for a number of years.

 What better day for a new Freedom to Praise blog post.

 There are people my dad talks about, that I never knew, who died for my right to vote.  In addition to insuring for me the right to vote, they insured for me the right to practice my faith in freedom.  These men, who I never knew, also left me a heritage of faith.  They were among the faithful and through their lives they helped insure for me the right to freely practice my faith. 

 Yes, I can practice my faith whether I have this freedom or not, but it certainly makes a difference that I can freely congregate with others and receive support and encouragement from them.  I frequently, as I pray for other countries each day, realize how very blessed I am in this regard. 

 Today it is so very important to exercise your right to vote.  Yes, you and I may not agree on who we are voting for, even so I am just as glad that you have this freedom to choose as I do.  For if you did not have this freedom then neither would I. 

 God bless you and go vote!

Quilts and their warmth

Worked on a quilt today – first time in quite a while that I have worked on a quilt.  Lately, I have been doing a lot of knitting.  I have a couple of quilt tops that need quilting and I have a quilt top that needs making . . . so that is what I worked on today.

As I sit at my front window, where my sewing machine is located, I look out and see the trees bowing before the wind.  I sit here quite comfortable in my snug house . . . no need yet for the heater but I do have one if it gets cold.  I just go adjust the thermostat and on comes the heater.  This is something of a marvel as I sit quilting and thinking about quilts.

I do not make my own clothes or those of my family, so my quilts are not made out of scraps or repurposed garments.  Unlike my Grandma and my great Aunts, I do not have a need of quilts for protection from the cold.

As for the scraps or repurposed garments, they are not included but each and every color and piece of material is selected for that person and/or those persons.  I want these quilts to be used and enjoyed, not just put away as a “nice” gift . . . but a gift of purpose and comfort.

As I was sitting thinking of these things and of my Grandma, I realized that I do make my quilts for warmth.  As I make a quilt I think of the loved ones for whom I am making the quilt.  I pray that God will bless these people that I love.  The warmth that I want these quilts to provide is the warmth of knowing that the person using the quilt is well loved.  Loved at great price by Christ my Savior and loved at small price by me with the work and prayers that I put into the quilts.

I also think of the connection that I have with those ancestors who performed this same “work” of necessity or entertainment.  I receive warmth from these thoughts as well . . . thinking of my Grandma, of my great Aunts, of those who have gone before me.

Letters from Home

My Mom said, years ago, that if any of us children were to leave home and move away she hoped it would be me.  This may sound a bit odd, but her reasoning was that I would be the one most likely to keep in contact with her.  I loved to write letters and she loved to get them from me.

 

Years later, I am the one that stayed closest to home.  But, I still love to write letters. 

 

I love sending cards and when the offer came up to get some cards from DaySpring and share them with others, I could not wait for the chance to participate.

 

I am a card sender.  I send cards for the usual . . . new babies, graduation from high school, college, or even kindergarten, sympathy for losses, etc.  I also send cards for the “no reason” but that I felt the need to send one to a friend. 

 

Many is the time that a friend has said later, “That card came just on the day that I needed it.”  The days they are talking about are basically ordinary days . . . but they are the days which we all have when the world just seems to be too much for us to handle at that give moment in time. 

 

I try to never ignore the impression in my spirit that I need to send a card.  Many is the time that I believe God has put that message in my heart to help a friend’s heart. 

 

For this reason the opportunity to receive and share words of encouragement in the form of beautiful, thoughtful cards was just perfect for me.

 

So, the folks at DaySpring asked me to share who I would send cards to . . .

 

            a friend whose son has left home . . . rebelling against his parents (I have lived through similar experience)

 

            a friend who has diligently worked teaching children in our church, she tends to send cards out as well, thanking her for her service

 

            our Choir Director . . . she works full time and leads our worship service

 

            a couple who are friends who are struggling with business decisions and personal decisions regarding an elderly parent . . . their plate is overflowing right now

 

            a friend who just sounds like she needs a “word”  . . . a hug in the form of a card letting her know that she is thought of and prayed for

 

Who would you send a card to . . . for no reason other than – we are all here on this place to encourage each other – they are like letters from home – from one heart to another.

            

Each Moment

Is everyday really like every other day?

The sun comes up in the east – yet it moves, sometimes the most minute movement but none the less it moves from north to south and then back again.

We think there is sameness.

But there isn’t. . . we are not the same as we were yesterday.  Every day we are different regardless of how different yesterday was or wasn’t as compared to the day before.

Each day we learn something – whether we realize it or not.  We learn to hide a new hurt, we learn to deal with a new pain, we learn to live through fear, we learn to enjoy a cup of hot tea, we learn to enjoy the little moments of life in a new way.  We look at our children, grandchildren, and even our spouse . . . they too are different every day.

Life is to be lived in the moment . . . for the moment is all that we have.

The Me I Used To Be

 

This me as a young Mom.  I remember this person vaguely.  Recently I read an article about comparing yourself with others.  Yes, I do that like many women.  However, I have found myself comparing me now to the me I used to be.  

 

Getting older was never a big deal for me.  At age sixteen I had gray hair, so when my friends got their first gray hair at thirty years of age that was no big deal for me.  Been there and done that kind of thing.  

 

Earlier this year my doctor (who is my age) commented on my health.  He wanted me to take a new medication and I did not want ANOTHER to my growing pile of medicines.  His comment was, “You are 60 years old.  That means you have at least another twenty to twenty five years of life.”  

 

WHAT!!!!! 

 

I never really thought of my life that way.  

 

What I have thought of though, lots of times, is that following breast cancer a few years ago and the subsequent radiation and chemical therapy for five years (the daily pill kind not the chemical in your blood king) I want the me I used to be.  Getting up sometimes is overwhelming.  Just getting out of bed, with the joints not wanting to work, with the bones hurting, with no breath. . . 

 

I remember that woman — she had energy, grit determination . . . life.

 

Some days I do in fact have that woman inside of me . . . 

 

My prayers are that whatever I have left (the 20 years or so) that woman is inside of me combined with the new woman that knows to live life more fully in the moment than ever before.  

 

I want to live all that God has for me, for however long He has it for me, and those days when it is so incredibly difficult to get out of bed (physically) I trust He will give me the strength to carry on in His will.